Update: The public toilet in Honduras has just reached maximum capacity. Everyone who dies from now on will now be located in a port-a-potty somewhere in Antarctica, until that too fills up. Dress accordingly.

My friend recently informed me that he recived a twenty-seven year warning. I asked him this, "Was a twenty seven year warning, or a twenty-seven year warning for your two-minute warning?" He thinks it was the latter.

Fun-fact: Everyone on earth gets a two-minute warning. And no I'm not talking about sports. Two minutes before you die, you get a two-minute warning. Basically it goes something like this, you're sitting home, or where ever, and suddenly a voice yells at you and says, "You've got two minutes, get your shit together!" At this point, if you have the opportunity, I say, have fun with it. If your in a public area, just stand up, and give a little speech, just a little two minute speech. Blaspheme like you never blaphemed before, denounce your chosen faith, insult you friends and family, reveal long held secrets, what's it matter? It's not like anyone can kill you for it! And then, at the last second, after you've finished your tirade, scream, "And if this is not the truth, may God strike me DEAD!" And if you really want to sell it, train your body to do something interesting right after you. I myself have trained my body to spin on the spot while raising both middle fingers. Isn't fucking with people fun?

If I had my choice on how I was going to die, I'd like to burts into flames in the middle of an envrionmentalist rally.

The Man Who Rules the Universe (Part Time) welcomes novelist in training to his blog. Feel free to ask questions, make comments, and generally say whatever you jolly well please. You are also welcome to visit my less blasphemous blog, Of Fate and Fortune, at the url, offateandfortune.blogspot.com. It would be nice to have feedback from a fellow writer. Wait, did I just say nice?! Oh God, the world's going to end!

P.S. Unlike most authority figures I demand no loyalty what so ever. Have a...not completely unpleasant day. Can't be too careful.

Even more fun things to call your friends: K-Y-captain, douche-cock, sperm-gluper, hemeroid-hitman, Hershy-highway partolman, semen-spiter, anal-astronaut, deadliest-snatch, doughnut-puncher, bum-chum, grammy-nominated-pussy, poop-shoot-popeye, gerble-jouster, turd-tickler, anus-angler, thunder-cunt, fat-ass didlo-spinning jello-jerking ass-yodeling pussy-biting magna-fuck, Clay Akin, and Andy Dick.

Environmentalists are idiots. They actually believe that humans are a legitimate threat to the planet. Are you shitting me? We are, at best, a slight rash. When the planet starts coughing up blood, then I'll listen to environmentalists

Tulsa Spelled backwards = a sluT.

Think about it.

According to most religions there is a Heaven and Hell. What isn't generally known is that, due to overcrowding, no more people are being admitted into either. Every person who's died since 1982 is currently inhabiting a small public toilet somewhere in southern Honduras. I will get back to you when I find out exactly which one.

The fastest way to get rid of a hard on is to cut off your dick. Keep in mind this only works once.