Environmentalists are idiots. They actually believe that humans are a legitimate threat to the planet. Are you shitting me? We are, at best, a slight rash. When the planet starts coughing up blood, then I'll listen to environmentalists

Tulsa Spelled backwards = a sluT.

Think about it.

According to most religions there is a Heaven and Hell. What isn't generally known is that, due to overcrowding, no more people are being admitted into either. Every person who's died since 1982 is currently inhabiting a small public toilet somewhere in southern Honduras. I will get back to you when I find out exactly which one.

The fastest way to get rid of a hard on is to cut off your dick. Keep in mind this only works once.

The next time someone ask you "How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?", ask them, "How much wood would a woodchuck fuck if a woodchuck could fuck wood?" Get back to me with their responses.

I actually know the answer to the question, "Which came first, the chiken or the egg?"

The appropriate answer is, "Who gives a fuck, hippie? Pass the KFC."

Fun-fact: Christian's hate me.
P.S. They hate you too.

A conversation between two rabbits:
"Holy shit! Jesus is back from the dead!"
"Oh no, look out! Here he comes!"
"Ungh, oh Christ! I just crapped an egg!"
The origin of Easter.

Fun-fact: Most people don't like getting shot.

Uh-oh, Jesus looks angry!

Other fun things to call your friends: Cockbite, Neddle-dick, Ass-pirate, Cunt-captain, Dildo-artist, Fuck-a-holic, Shit-face, Ass-clown, Pussy-bandit, Anal-master, Cock-blaster, Penis-lover, and Ass-goblin.

George Carlin's Seven Dirty words: Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, Tits
and the three bonus words: Fart, Turd, and Twat

Again, contrary to popular belief, blood is not actually red. It only appears to be red because that is the color you see when you look at it. Likewise, the sky and sea aren't really blue. On the other hand, space actually is black, although we still don't quite know why.

Contrary to popular belief, vengeance is not best served cold. It is actually best served piping hot, and in several servings.

Ockham's Razor is an excellent cutting tool. What is Ockham's Razor, you ask? Ask Wikipedia, the ultimate compendium of all human knowledge, feeble though your species is.

By far, the funniest way to set off a land mine is to land on while doing a cartwheel. Don't believe me? Just think about it.

Unlike most people, I like my board of education. Especially the sounds it makes when I use it to "educate" people.

Have a Happy Birthday, or else.

Join the Church of Church, or God will hate you.

The key to low travel cost, be dead. People will take you anywhere, so long as you're a corpse.

When the end of the world comes, I'll be sitting in a lawn chair with a six pack and a sandwich, watching the show.

Have you ever been hit in the face with a hatchet? I mean a full on direct hit, that pirces the skull. If you have, then you should know about the puff of cool air on your brain, right before there's any pain. Is it just me, or it that puff of air very refreshing? I try not to get hung up on it though, considering the only way to get it is an ax to the face.

If you listen hard enough you can hear the screams of hundreds of newbs getting owned on Xbox live.

How to disarm a land mine: Jump on it several times, you first.

I have discovered an Eighth Deadly Sin: Forcing your religion off on other people!

Does one hold Rain Dance Practice? And if so, does it rain afterward? Doesn't that defeat the purpose of the Rain Dance? Shouldn't you just practice if you want rain? Or would Practice be cancelled on account of rain?

To debate with yourself, you need at least three personalities, but having more makes the debates more interesting.

Why is it that no one ever chooses a slow and painful death?

How to prove you don't exist in Seven easy steps!
Step 1: You exist according to your senses.
Step 2: Your sense have been proven liars.
Step 3: You cannot trust your senses to tell you the truth.
Step 4: Your family and friends' senses can't be trusted either.
Step 5: There is not proof you exist that can't be refuted.
Step 6: Therefor you don't.
Step 7: Vanish in puff of logic. (If this step does not occur, you obviously didn't do the preceeding six steps right. Keep trying.)

If there is a world of pain, what does it look like?